E-Book Overview
In When Parents Hurt , psychologist and parent Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., offers insight, empathy, and perspective to those who have lost the opportunity to be the parent they desperately wanted to be and who are mourning the loss of a harmonious relationship with their child. Through case examples and healing exercises, Dr. Coleman helps parents:
- Reduce anger, guilt, and shame
- Learn how temperament, the teen years, their own or a partner's mistakes, and divorce can strain the parent-child bond
- Come to terms with their own and their child's imperfections
- Develop strategies for rebuilding the relationship or move toward acceptance of what can't be changed
By helping parents recognize what they can do and let go of what they cannot, Dr. Coleman helps families develop more positive ways of healing themselves and relating to each other.
E-Book Content
When Parents Hurt Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along JOSHUA COLEMAN, PH.D. To the reader CONTENTS on e Parents on the Firing Line 1 t wo Getting It Wrong About Parents Defining the Problem 9 t h r e e Parental Guilt Healing from the Real or Imaginary Mistakes of Parenting fou r A Child’s View f i v e Brave New Parents of the Twenty-First Century si x Confronting Parental Shame Easing a Lonely Burden se v e n Where Did This Kid Come From? Mismatches Between Parent and Child e i g h t Taking It Personally How Teenagers Take a Pound of Flesh— and What We Can Do About It n i n e Divorce Wounds Healing the Parent 27 37 61 77 95 123 147 Contents t e n Problem Marriages and Troubled Spouses Healing the Relationship Between Parents and Children 175 e l e v e n Failure to Launch When Teenage and Adult Children Aren’t Thriving 197 t w e lv e All Grown Up and Wants Nothing to Do with Me Parenting Adult Children 227 t h i rt e e n Addressing the Long Reach of the Past Your Personal History 253 Afterword 277 Acknowledgments 281 a p p e n di x When a Family Man Thinks Twice 283 Notes 289 Index 305 About the Author Praise Credits Cover Copyright About the Publisher one PARENTS ON THE FIRING LINE Dear Mom, I have decided that I don’t want to have any contact with you ever again. Please don’t write or call me anymore. I can’t stop thinking about all of the ways that you were never there for me when I was growing up. Whenever I see or talk to you, I just end up feeling depressed, angry, and upset for weeks afterwards. It’s just not worth it to me and I need to get on with my life. Please respect my wishes and don’t contact me again. Letter from Clarice, 23, to her mother Fiona, 48 F iona sat on my couch in her first visit without looking at me or saying anything. She reached into her purse and handed me the letter from her daughter as if to say, “This says it all.” And it did. As a psychologist, I’ve counseled many adult children like Fiona’s daughter; in some cases, I’ve helped them to craft letters just like hers, or supported them in cutting off contact with a mother, a father, or both. I know the finality that these letters can portend. It’s a deadly serious business and the stakes are huge—a therapist has no business giving advice in this arena unless he or 2 W H EN PA R EN T S H U RT she has carefully thought about the long-term implications of these decisions. I felt for this desolate mother sitting in front of me because I knew that the letter could be the last contact that Fiona would ever h