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Amidst the shrill and discordant notes struck in debates over the make-up--or breakdown--of the American family, the family keeps evolving. This book offers a close and clear-eyed look into a form this change has taken most recently, the lesbian coparent family. Based on intensive interviews and extensive firsthand observation, The Family of Woman chronicles the experience of thirty-four families headed by lesbian mothers whose children were conceived by means of donor insemination.With its intimate perspective on the interior dynamics of these families and its penetrating view of their public lives, the book provides rare insight into the workings of emerging family forms and their significance for our understanding of "family"--and our culture itself.
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THE FAMILY OF WOMAN
THE FAMILY OF WOMAN Lesbian Mothers, Their Children, and the Undoing of Gender
Maureen Sullivan
University of California Press
Berkeley
Los Angeles
London
University of California Press Berkeley and Los Angeles, California University of California Press, Ltd. London, England © 2004 by the Regents of the University of California Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Sullivan, Maureen, 1963–. The family of woman : lesbian mothers, their children, and the undoing of gender / Maureen Sullivan. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 0-520-23963-6 (alk. paper)—ISBN 0-520-23964-4 (alk. paper) 1. Lesbian mothers—United States—Case studies. 2. Children of gay parents—United States—Case studies. 3. Sex role—United States—Case studies. I. Title. HQ75.53.S85 2004 306.874'3'08664—dc22
2003070281
Manufactured in the United States of America 13 12 11 10 09 08 07 06 05 04 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of ANSI/NISO Z39.48–1992 (R 1997) (Permanence of Paper).
For the women and children whose stories are in this book
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments Introduction
ix
1
1.
The Emergence of Lesbian-Coparent Families in Postmodern Society 17
2.
Becoming Parents: Baby Making in the Age of Assisted Procreation 40
3.
Being Parents: The End of Oedipus and the Expansion of Intimacy 62
4.
Undoing the Gender Division of Labor
5.
Truth and Reconciliation: Families of Origin Come Around and Come Out 124
6.
Becoming Familiar in the Community of Strangers 157
7.
The Structure of Donor-Extended Kinship
93
190
8.
The Theoretical Future of a Conscious Feminist Kinship 211 Appendix: Families by the Bay: The Study Design, Method, and Participants 231 Notes
247
Bibliography Index
305
285
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I am indebted to a great number of people whose support, guidance, and critical feedback enabled me to complete this book. The book was first conceived as a doctoral dissertation research project in 1993, and my mentors in the Department of Sociology and Women’s Studies Program at the University of California at Davis (UC Davis) generously gave me their unflagging confidence and encouragement throughout the dissertation research and writing process. Judith Stacey, Carole Joffe, Linda Morris, and Diane Wolf gave me critical feedback and gentle prodding at the most crucial moments, enabling me to complete the doctoral requirements and begin to see the book that would emerge. I am especially grateful to Judith Stacey, whose rigorous intellectual tutelage and creativity inspired me to pursue themes I would not have if left to my own devices. At the same time, Carole Joffe tempered my wilder impulses with her consistently sensible counsel. Linda Morris and Diane Wolf provided c