Why Him Why Her Finding Real Love By Understanding Your Personality Type

Also by Helen Fisher Why We Love The First Sex Anatomy of Love The Sex Contract Why Him? Why Her? Finding Real Love by Understanding Your Personality Type The author and publisher have provided this e-book to you for your personal use only. You may not make this e-book publicly available in any way. Copyright infringement is against the law. If you believe the copy of this e-book you are reading infringes on the author’s copyright, please notify the publisher at: us.macmillanusa.com/piracy. Henry Holt and Company, LLC Publishers since 1866 175 Fifth Avenue New York, New York 10010 www.henryholt.com ® are registered trademarks of Henry Holt® and Henry Holt and Company, LLC. Copyright © 2009 by Helen Fisher All rights reserved. Distributed in Canada by H. B. Fenn and Company Ltd. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Fisher, Helen E. Why him? why her?: finding real love by understanding your personality type/Helen Fisher.—1st ed. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references (p.). ISBN-13: 978-0-8050-8292-0 ISBN-10: 0-8050-8292-1 1. Personality—Physiological aspects. 2. Interpersonal relations— Psychological aspects. 3. Mate selection—Psychological aspects. I. Title. BF698.9.B5F57 2009 155.2’64—dc22 2008033877 Henry Holt books are available for special promotions and premiums. For details contact: Director, Special Markets. First Edition 2009 Designed by Meryl Sussman Levavi Printed in the United States of America 1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2 eISBN 9781429982672 For Ray, Lorna, Audrey and the rest of my family Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours For one lone soul, another lonely soul— Each chasing each through all the weary hours, And meeting strangely at one sudden goal; Then blend they—like green leaves with golden flowers, Into one beautiful and perfect whole— And life’s long night is ended, and the way Lies open onward to eternal day. —SIR EDWIN ARNOLD CONTENTS 1. EAVESDROPPING ON MOTHER NATURE: Why Him? Why Her? 2. FINDING YOUR PERSONALITY TYPE: The Personality Type Test 3. THE HAND YOU’RE DEALT: Nature’s Dice 4. DRINK LIFE TO THE LEES: The Explorer 5. A PILLAR OF SOCIETY: The Builder 6. ALWAYS TO THE STARS: The Director 7. THE PHILOSOPHER KING: The Negotiator 8. PLAY MATES, HELP MATES, MIND MATES, SOUL MATES: The Chemistry of Dating 9. FALLING IN LOVE: The Funnel 10. THE ONE: How We Love 11. PUTTING CHEMISTRY TO WORK: Advice from Nature Notes Appendix: The Mate Choice Study Bibliography Acknowledgments Index Why Him? Why Her? CHAPTER 1 I am large, I contain multitudes. —WALT WHITMAN EAVESDROPPING ON MOTHER NATURE: Why Him? Why Her? “Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter to the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other. Now there is no more loneliness for you. But there is one life before you. Go now to your dwelling place, to eat to your days together. And may your days be very long upon this earth.” The Apache Indians of the American Southwest probably recited this wedding poem for centuries before I heard it in La Jolla, California, in 2006. It was an early June evening, the sky still pink and blue, the sea smells wafting through the windows as I sat in a folding chair on the second story of a fancy Italian restaurant. An older gentleman was conducting a short wedding ceremony, one mixed with rituals from the Christian, Jewish and Apache traditions. And before me glowed the two celebrants, Patrick and Suzanne—one of the first couples to marry after meeting on the Internet dating site I had helped to design, Chemistry.com. Patrick had been a journalist in New Orleans until he lost hi