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Covers all those vitally important life skills such as: how to extract your leg from a randy dog; forgetting the punchline of rude joke; getting your skirt stuck in your knickers; and ingesting a Railtrack sandwich.
E-Book Content
The Real Life Scenario Survival Handbook Debbie Barham SUMMERSDALE Copyright © Summersdale Publishers Ltd, 2002 Text by Debbie Barham No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor transmitted, nor translated into a machine language, without the written permission of the publisher. Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester West Sussex PO19 1RP UK www.summersdale.com Printed and bound in Great Britain. ISBN 1 84024 283 3 CONTENTS PREFACE: A Word from The Author ..................................................5 CHAPTER ONE: Medical Emergencies How To Treat Broken Wind ..............................................................7 How To Treat A Broken Heart ......................................................10 How To Deliver A Baby ................................................................15 How To Survive Sagging Breasts .....................................................19 How To Treat A Shopaholic ...........................................................22 How To Keep A Big Brother Addict Alive Between Series ................24 How To Cure A Mockney Accent ...................................................27 How To Survive A Massive Electric Charge .....................................30 How To Survive A Near-Death Experience .....................................32 CHAPTER TWO: Surviving Domestic Mishaps How To Wrestle With An Obstinate Duvet Cover ..............................33 How To Defrost A Freezer .............................................................40 How To Deal With A Red Wine Stain On Clothing ..........................42 How To Construct An Item Of Self-Assembly Furniture ....................43 CHAPTER THREE: Survival On The Move How To Pilot A Micro Scooter .........................................................45 How To Conceal An Unwanted Erection On Public Transport ..............50 How To Use An Aircraft Toilet .........................................................52 How To Survive Accidentally Ingesting A Railtrack Sandwich ...............59 How To Escape A Market Researcher In The Street .........................62 How To Break Into A Packet Of In-Flight Peanuts ............................65 How To Be Discreetly Sick In A Taxi ................................................68 How To Obtain A Tolerable Passport Photo .....................................71 How To Survive When Stranded In The Mountains With A Royal Skiing Party ...78 How To React When Your Offspring Is Kissed By An MP ..................82 How To Escape A Drunk And Disorderly Conviction ..........................84 How To Survive A Celebrity Survivor Show .......................................85 How To Wear A Skimpy Bikini On The Beach ...................................92 How To Remove A Skimpy Bikini .....................................................95 THE REAL LIFE SCENARIO HANDBOOK CHAPTER FOUR: Survival In The Workplace How To Survive A Random Outbreak Of Firing ................................99 How To Deal With A Stockmarket Crash Victim ..............................102 How To Break Into The Modelling Industry ...................................105 How To Rob A Bank .....................................................................110 How To Escape From A Maximum Security Jail .............................113 How To Deal With A Charging Credit Card ......................................117 How To Spot A Lying Politician .....................................................119 How To Climb A Greasy Pole ......................................................120 How To Disguise The Fact That You Are The Only Person In Th